The Blob

Jesus Rocket Resurrection

This is Hugh Mann reporting live from the Utah desert, where God’s faithful have gathered to watch the Resurrection of Jesus. Local LDSers have been generous enough to bring LSD spiked wine and peyote crackers, which they are now freely passing around the crowd among the worshipers, so as to enhance their overall hallucinatory religious experience.

I have never in all my life seen such a spontaneous display of fervent and unthinking hope. Never before in the short 6006 year old history of the universe, have the honesty and ideals of science and engineering been so thoroughly and utterly smeared, ridiculed and denied, basic economics and the environment completely ignored, indeed our most fundamental laws of physics themselves refuted outright. This is a glorious day for irrationality, folks!

Wait, I think I see a light! The rain seems to be abating, the clouds are parting, and radiant streamers are descending from the heavens. A great booming sound is beginning to rumble down in the valley, and I see a huge explosion of noxious fumes and toxic gases rising forth to meet it. Oh my God, an evil green caricature of El Diablo is forming in the the exhaust fumes, smiling and laughing and breathing fire, great horns are growing from its bald and scarred head, hysterical utterances speaking in forked tongues spewing nasty sulfurous fumes among the screaming crowds, this is not at all what I was expecting. Now a hideous voice is proclaiming in an unmistakable shocking voice – ‘Your Rock Shall Burrrrrrrnnnn!’

That evil laugh, I just can’t take it anymore, but the crowd’s gaze is still riveted on the apparition, now fading away, slowly transitioning into a vision of the Jesus Rocket on its massive carrier, approaching its huge erect vertical launch tower. Great special effects!

The crowd is cheering wildly and chanting USA! USA! USA! and they are body passing some of more faithful Utah rocket scientists around. I see bottles of Jack Daniels being distributed, and the PA is blaring Kenny Rogers music at a sound level that is nauseating.

I hope this doesn’t turn into a barf fest. Somebody please, put on some Conway Twitty!

This is Hugh Mann reporting live from a huge party in the Utah Desert, where a bunch of drunk and hallucinating Mormons are now arguing over who gets to drive crawler with the big Jesus rocket on it, all the way down to the Kennedy Space Center.

I’m feeling pretty dizzy from all those fumes, I think I’m gonna pass out.

The El Diablo Rocket

This is Hugh Mann reporting, live, from the smoking ruins of downtown lakefront Sheboygan, Wisconsin, where Launch LLC was just unveiling it’s newest rocket design – the El Diablo!

At least I think I’m still alive. Can anybody hear me? Hello? Is anybody out there? My ears are really ringing, but my eyelashes still seem intact. How does my hair look? Still there?

I’m getting reports coming in now that every east facing window in Sheboygan is blown out. People are just now starting to crawl out of the wreckage of the bleachers and the stage. I’m pretty sure that very few people among the large crowd that showed up at this news conference, actually expected that the rocket would be ready for testing this soon, and certainly nobody expected a real time instantaneous test of the rocket. The Launch LLC guy just blurted out ‘I’ll show you what this sucker can do’, and hit a red button and then all hell broke loose!  That really put the hecklers in their place! Wait, one moment, we have a report that the Aerojet solid rocket motors just separated from the core stage booster, and now the Launch LLC representative is announcing that the El Diablo is well on course for orbital insertion without any upper stage at all. One second. Oh my God! I’m hearing now that the SRM exhaust has ignited the Sheboygan Armory, and the spectators are being asked to come over and help fight the fires. It still appears the serendipitous test flight is still nominal and the AJ26-58 engine is smoothly exceeding five gees, well on its way to making orbit, for a rendezvous and reboost mission to the International Space Station.

The crowd is cheering wildly, and there is even talk among the firefighters of turning the Armory into a mission control, moving all of the launches down to the Port Washington launch site and building all new rocket factories in the Midwest. People are excited folks!

The rumors running through the crowd now is that after penetrating the atmosphere and thrusting its way into orbit, and after accomplishing its mission of transferring its bodily fluids to the ISS, and reboosting her to a new higher orbit, the El Diablo will then be retired into a stable orbit to start its own stud ranch, where it will undoubtedly sire many progeny of great note. I’ve also heard that El Diablo may be a one of a kind mutant rocket, whose sole purpose in life is to shock and awe crowds into ever more daring and outrageous exploits.

Mating this thing with the Jesus Rocket will be sure to raise a lot of singed eyebrows in Sheboygan, I can tell you that! I just think it’s amazing what can be accomplished in the field of rocket science, when one sells one’s soul to the devil, with a sole source, no bid, cost plus contract. This is America, folks, when burning rock is outlawed, the outlaws will burn rock! And I have it on good authority that’s just the way things work in hell as well.

This is Hugh Mann reporting live from Sheboygan, Wisconsin, on the amazing simultaneous announcement and first flight of the El Diablo rocket. Wait, one moment. My ears are still ringing, but I can just make out in my earpiece that I have been informed by my boss that I must mention a disclaimer – I am a major stockholder and sit on the board of directors of World Corp – the parent company of Launch LLC. And now I just wish to thank you good folks for coming down this morning to see the launch. We apologize for the inconvenience.

And come back when we’re ready to unveil Satan’s new spawn – The El Dorado Rockets!

El Dorado Rockets

We Don't Need to Study it Anymore

This is Hugh Mann, again, just back from Los Alamos National Laboratory covering some sensational new developments in quantum physics, and bringing you some breaking news from Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Alabama, where a wild party has broken out in the engineer’s cafeteria, and now the entire student intern section of the lunch room has gotten involved in the festivities, and it’s moved outdoors into the picnic tables in the back. Cigars are being passed around and lit up in complete violation of NASA employee conduct codes. Something really big is going on here folks.

What I am hearing from the elated engineers is that apparently the director of MSFC has announced to the staff that they have received a fat juicy government contract to build an Ares 2-X heavy lift demonstrator flight test article for a first flight some time in the far distant future, using some leftover rocket engines, boosters, external tankage, avionics and spare parts unused from the previous and highly successful Ares I-X test flight last October 28th.

And in one fell swoop he struck down any remaining industry delusions of pesky heavy lift trade studies and analyses which never lead to the predetermined answer they are seeking, freeing up an additional $8 million dollars in make or break funding for this herculean effort, declaring definitively – “We don’t need to study it anymore.” Yes folks, that’s right, the Jesus Rocket has won the heavy lift competition, hands down. What a glorious day this is.

It’s going to be a wild party here this weekend. I’m not going to get anything done on my SACD-1 request for information, so I may as well just join in on the festivities and partake in some of that free food and beverages, and tomorrow I’ll be sure to thank Jesus himself.

I honestly can’t remember a celebration of faith and hope this exciting since the director of the space shuttle program stated in his Augustine committee testimony that “reusability is a myth”. And I’m proud to say that in America, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and everyone has a right shout it loudly, no matter how contradictory or ludicrous it may sound.

Pyramid of Knowledge

Ignorance is not knowing something, stupidity is not admitting your ignorance.

http://www.anirudhsethireport.com/ignorance/

Krafft Ehricke

This is Hugh Mann, outlaw science and engineering desperado, reporting live from the Kennedy Space Center, on Earth, where a large party of space and rocket geeks, assorted internet kooks, a few legacy usenet gurus with their extensive entourages of science groupies and bodyguards, and I think I see a couple of Air Force and Marine generals in there as well, have convened in the visitor center for the sole purpose of drinking beer and smoking cigars and reminiscing about the ‘old days’, while honoring the memory of Krafft Ehricke. What we have here representing the American space advocacy community is nothing less but the complete spectrum of tech nerdiness, all now well on their way to states of slight inebriation and fraternal friendship. The room is abuzz in conversation and camaraderie, most of it is focused in  astonishment, wonder and total amazement, indeed almost the celebration of a recently released NASA Langley request for information.

Known only as SACD-1, this obscure and easily overlooked solicitation and NASA request for information is absolutely unique among recent federal requests, in that is has no identification number whatsoever, makes no promises, while  avoiding completely any hint of any responsibilities, and only makes the most vague requests, while simultaneously asking the potential respondent to reveal their most deeply held operational secrets, and also while you’re at it, please double check our math, for free, thanks a million or two.

Yes folks, the kooks and nuts and space cadets have won the battle of the minds. It’s going to be a wild party here tonight, so if you will excuse me, I think I see Lisa Nowak.

Russian Firefighters

This is Hugh Mann reporting, live, from the outskirts of Moscow, where Habibullo Abdussamatov has just arrived by state helicopter, in an attempt to convince the local villagers that there are no fires to fight, and that they should just put down their shovels and buckets and wet towels and relax, because global warming is merely another scientific hoax perpetrated by evil capitalistic Americans, and global cooling is sure to be on the way.

Oh my God, a Russian peasant just smacked him down with a shovel, and he has not even been on the ground more than a few minutes! This is terrible. Now he is being thrust into the fire fight, nose bleeding, face smeared with mud, this is total anarchy here folks.

Let me see if I can get an interview with this gentleman.

“Sir, Sir … can I have a moment of your time?”

“Sure, comrade, I speak very good English”

Sir, why did you strike Mr. Abdussamatov?

“I am tired of the lies and I’ve fighting out here for days. Let him fight the fire for a while.”

But sir, can’t you see he is a bitter and cynical old man?

“More bitter and cynical than I, you must be kidding, and I’m only 45 years old.”

But can’t you see that violence is not the answer to your problems?

“Of course, I’m sorry, I must have lost my mind. This has been very stressful for me, my cabin just burned down and my family is now living in a shelter. I must apologize to Mr. Abdussamatov right away. Mr. Abdussamatov, Mr. Abdussamatov …

“Go away, can’t you see I’m busy?”

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Abdussamatov, please forgive me.”

“Don’t worry about it, it’s just a small bruise, and give me that shovel, I’ve got work to do. Here, take my water.”

Oh thank you Mr. Abdussamatov, I’m so sorry, I must be going crazy.

Well there you have it folks, another science denier becomes a science believer, another culture war has been averted, another wildfire has just been put out, and it’s just another day on the job for Hugh Mann, the Impossible Man, risking his life again on the front lines, for humanity. Now if you will excuse me, I’ve got some fires to fight.

Tragically Comic Lifeforms

Marvel Comics Image from Silver Surfer Annual #3, Vol, III, by Mike Baron and Neil Hansen.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifeform_%28comics%29

This is Hugh Mann, daring desperado, reporting live from the sewers of the United States Senate. The cosmos is a vast place, filled with BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of ordinary yellow stars, surrounded by BILLIONS AND BILLIONS of ordinary earth like planets, including the extra special ordinary planet Earth, where the current mammalian primate lifeforms have now overpopulated the planet, by engaging in nonstop sexual activities like the er … um … mammalian primates that they are. (Mental note : invest in more latex futures).

They have recently taken over a formerly human free area of a formerly isolated continent, and have now incorporated its imaginary boundaries into an unexceptional nation of farmers, construction workers, transportation pilots and bureaucrats, and have drawn up a document allowing them to elect unexceptional farmers, workers, pilots and bureaucrats to represent their unexceptional interests. These people really need to get into the universe more often to see how the rest of the universe operates, but being the insane, isolated and paranoid lifeforms that they are, that seems pretty unlikely at this point. Nevertheless, the amazing fortuitous circumstances of evolution, random chance and the meticulous encoding of their biological information, along with occasional meddling by aliens, have all conspired to allow them to progress to the level of technological maturity that they may now proceed to do just that, if they choose to do so, and if they do it in a manner that reality and physics allows.

Unfortunately, there appears to be an insidious virus residing in the sewers of the houses of their elected representatives, one that can be found in the smoking ruins and dead ashes of many unsuccessful species across the universe, the dreaded stupid virus. Yes, all of you cosmic lifeforms out there, the Earth appears to be infected, and the only known way to prevent the spread of this virus is a material called latex, and the only known cure for this virus is something called STEM education. All the large space telescopes in this region of the Orion arm of the Milky Way galaxy are on Earth, waiting patiently to see if any of these unexceptional lifeforms in this unexceptional nation of America will be able to defeat the stupid virus, and prevent their suicide and self destruction, and build a transportation device capable of taking them at least out to the asteroids, before the asteroids come to them.

Again.

And Hugh Mann, intergalactic reporter extraordinaire, will be there to get the story and bring it to you, whatever the final results may be. But I have to be truthful, this doesn’t look too promising right now, from my vantage point in the slippery, slimy, dark, smelly, foul, corrupt and fetid sewers of the United States Senate. It’s going to be some great entertainment, though, so be sure to tune into the Earth Channel and the Human Show weekly, to see where the mammalian primates are in their quest escape Earth before all hell breaks loose.

Oops, gotta go, it sounds to me like there is some non-stop flushing going on up there.

Phallic Symbolism

This is Hugh Mann reporting, live from SpaceX headquarters in Hawthorne, California, where Elon Musk is holding a press conference today announcing his newest imaginary paper rocket, the Falcon-XXX. And a beauty she is, ten times taller than the Saturn V, larger even than the previous world record for the largest imaginary rocket, the infamous Truax Sea Dragon, what a sight to behold. A huge crowd has gathered for the announcement and the unveiling of the plexiglass model of this hairy beast, and it seems like the entire California gay community is here to view the revelation of the glistening monster. Unfortunately, no real specifications for this launch vehicle are available as of yet, but rumors are circulating among the crowd that it will be fueled with Old Spice Cologne and lubricated for its trip through the atmosphere with KY jelly, and that Sarah Palin herself has generously offered to allow it to be launched from her back yard in Wasilla, Alaska, in exchange for rights to dress it up with advertising for her personal brand of lipstick.

Sarah Palin Lipstick

What a glorious day this is for the field of imaginary rocketry folks, I am just overcome with patriotic feelings of national pride. I’m sorry, I just can’t continue, this is too emotional.

Wait one moment, please stand by, the ghost of Neville Watson himself has now appeared on the stage to baffle the crowd with special functions, the crowd is cheering wildly, and it seems as if wild spontaneous orgies are breaking out everywhere. There is a whole lotta thrusting and probing going on here now, folks.

This is Hugh man, standing by, just in case Jesus decides to make another reappearance.

Dead Sea Scroll Jesus Mosaic

Image by growabrain

Thus sayith the lord, or so they say. This is Hugh Mann reporting live, from Jerusalem, in Palestine, where the occupied territory authorities, and the villagers and refugees and concentration camp inmates alike are all dazed in disbelief upon hearing the news that the lord himself is opposed to solid rocket fueled missiles in any way shape or form. That includes bullets and mortars too, apparently. The orthodoxy is in feverish meetings as we speak, trying to determine where Scud missiles stand in the lord’s view, and whether the lord’s wishes extend only to orbital vehicles, and that perhaps suboribital and ballistic projectiles might be exempt from the lord’s decree. Other’s are questioning the veracity of the lord’s alleged utterances completely, indeed, many are now questioning the existence of the creator itself. Could not SRBs be attached to the sides of the Jesus rocket, making him even more powerful and omnipotent? What about the miracle of the Jesus rocket’s resurrection? Many of our most experienced Shamans claimed to have witnessed the miraculous transformation in person on the floor of the most holy house of worship, surely that is sufficient to prove God’s existence! Are we not loyal to the immortal Zombie spirit? These are just a few of the questions that now torment the faithful across the space blogoshere on this eventful day.

It’s going to be a long hot summer.

Da Prez is a Smokin

This is Hugh Mann, reporting live from the Oval Office. I finally got around to checking the blob logs of my new blob, and I noticed that the president himself stopped in for a visit. I now have two unique visitors to my blob! The president, and my only significant ‘other’.

Them and US!

So I called the president right away to make an appointment to see him, and I managed to get in today with my super special reporter powers and all. They had a small unmarked private jet pick me up. I asked them why Air Force One didn’t come for me, and the pilot said that Chelsea rented it for the weekend. He promised he’d let me fly the plane from the copilot’s seat, though, so that was fun.

When I arrived the secret service guys gave us some oust and room deodorant so we could get down to a pow wow right away to discuss this zombie monster vampire Jesus rocket problem. We spent the first few minutes amazed and wondering out loud at the beauty and mysteriousness of the cosmos, and didn’t spend any time arguing over its possible creation at all. Before he got too drifty, I reminded the president of the real world seriousness of the problems of the planet Earth, and then I filled in the prez with the facts on the ground, and he got on the horn almost immediately and called around and guess what? The laboratory experiment going on at the House of Representatives appears to have violated several city municipal electrical ordinances, and he got the DC Public Service Commission guys to pull the power, which apparently they were getting from Constellation NewEnergy.

I stood amazed at how quickly people jumped at his command and how fast the problem got solved. From the verbal and cell phone reports that we are now getting from within the House (as they are now without power) it appears the illegal legislative probing of the eighth dimension was aborted in time to stop the resurrection of Jesus, and all that remaining on the podium stand, is a blob of oozing protoplasm with numerous and apparently human appendages protruding and flailing around. In the middle of that we got a call from the NSA that both their alien lifeform and time lord boards are blinking red and yellow all across the board as well, so it’s hard to say what’s really going on. I know Congressman Rohrabacher has some good contacts in the extraterrestrial world, so we both were speculating that he may have pulled a few strings with favors and IOUs all of these DC guys have in their pockets. And you know those Men in Black are gonna be all over this story too.

The new quantum teleportation technique still needs a little work, though. The Prez promised that his science staff would look into it just as soon as they got a chance.

Oops, the buzzer is a buzzing and the telephone is all lit up with flashing lights and stuff, and that red phone in the corner is blinking, and now the secret service guys are pounding on the door. Something is up, and I see the prez is lighting up a cig and blowing smoke around the room, gotta go, see ya later Mr. President, thanks a billion or two.

This is Hugh Mann, reporting live, from the hood.

The Prez Smoking Cigs

Zombie Monster Rocket Theory for Idiots

This is Hugh Mann, reporting live from the floor of House of Representatives, where the lobbyists elected by the irate villagers to represent large multinational corporations in their unending quest for immortality, are meeting, as we speak, to unveil their newest attempt at solving the zombie monster rocket problem, so the villagers can return to their football games and excessive alcohol consumption. Stand by. One moment. The votes are in.

The elated house members are now writhing in the aisles and speaking in tongues and shouting ‘Praise the Lord’, an unnamed congressman is dancing around the podium with his microphone screaming ‘Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Jesus God Almighty, Hallelujah’ and looking for all the world like the unholy spawn of James Brown and Michael Jackson.

This is truly a hysterical moment folks. Oops, I mean historical. Historic, sorry about that.

Congressional aides have pushed the laboratory apparatus aside, the giant Van de Graaff generator, wth its Tesla coils, superconducting load balancers and supercapacitors are now discharging their energy in an amazing fire and brimstone lightshow, and fainting couches have been made available for the swooning congresswomen. Apparently a new and entirely unknown vampire rocket has been lurking in the shadows all this time, for its chance to suck the life blood and precious bodily fluids out of the nation’s intellectual assets, and it appears that it has consumed both the Monster and the Zombie, and now it is undergoing some kind of remarkable transformation right here on the floor of the house of congress.

The zombie monster rocket has now been assimilated into the Borg collective!

This is Hugh Mann, reporting the return of Jesus, live, on the scene of the event.